MARY UPHAM

In an interview with The Washington Post, Brown said that when she questions people about taking time away from work and not answering emails around the clock “their fear is: If I really stopped and let myself relax, I would crater. Because the truth is I’m exhausted, I’m disconnected from my partner, I don’t feel super connected to my kids right now.”

Is it possible that we are doing so much, not because we have to, but because it is habit and we don’t know what else to do—and that we fear what we might find if we slow down?

This kind of life is not sustainable, and eventually, it will burst open somewhere.

What can we do to get out of this?

~Imagine a life where we choose to 
put what nourishes us first instead of last.~

This week I spoke with a talented and intelligent woman who told me how deeply she desired more regular time for creative pursuits in her life. As we talked it became clear that for her singing, painting, and writing were almost as important as air. When she engages creatively she feels alive, energized, content, joyful.

She also finds that she's more connected and patient with her children and husband when she makes time for art. The humdrum parts of life seem less tiresome and more doable. Essentially, there is more ease to her life!

And yet, even though she knows how much the arts feed her soul, she was putting them at the bottom of her to-do list—a luxury that she might grant herself once everything else was completed.

Dear ones, if you put self-care—whether that's creative pursuits, exercise, solitude, time in nature, or something else—as a last priority, it will not be a regular part of your life. Your cup will not be refilled by the unique recipe for nourishment that you need and it will get emptier and emptier. And that means everyday life gets harder and harder.

The ease of operating with a full tank disappears and we are left with that feeling that we have to somehow force ourselves to grind forward on those few drops of fuel that are left.

It doesn't have to be this way. You can choose ease and self-love and be an even more amazing version of yourself!

What step could you take today to add a little self-care that will fill your cup and allow you to approach life with more ease?

Post in the comments what would bring ease to your life. I would love to hear how you are caring for yourself!

With warmth and love,
Mary

Have you noticed that you don't have the energy you want? We're only one month into the new year, have you given up on your intentions for 2018? Is cabin fever setting in and you're snapping at your kids?

The reality is that without exceptional self-care you can't be the best version yourself. You slack off, give up, lose patience, beat yourself up, and disconnect. If you slow down to think about it, that's probably not the life you really want. 
Self-care is knowing what your needs are and meeting those needs on a regular basis. Not rocket science, but it does take being aware of what fills your cup and having the commitment to do it. Each of us has a unique combination of things that replenish energy, bring joy, and help us to show up as our best selves. 

Why is it so hard to carry this out?

You get messages all the time that you're not doing it right, that you shouldn't be selfish, and that you can't trust your inner wisdom. So your needs often go unmet. You know what this looks like. We all do. You rush from one thing to another, often arriving late. A kid asks a question and you bark an irritated answer. Feelings of resentment lurk just below the surface, waiting to be sparked into an explosion. 

Is this really how you want to live?

The truth is that everyone benefits when you practice exceptional self-care. You have the energy to accomplish your biggest goals. You treat yourself, your kids, your partner, your colleagues with love and kindness. You have the reserves to respond to bumps in the road calmly and thoughtfully. And you have the capacity to step into being the human you truly long to be. 

Are you ready to upgrade your life?

Several years ago when I was deep in the realm of caring for small children and aiming to provide the most nurturing home life possible, I found I was so disconnected from my self-care needs that I was actually sabotaging my deepest desires.
Instead of engaging with the beautiful children entrusted to me I numbed myself with endless online word games. Instead of serving myself first I prioritized energy and money for everything else but self-care. Instead of listening to my inner wisdom I ignored the whispers from my spirit to attend to myself first in order to be able to give my children the love and acceptance I knew they needed.

One morning while stealing a few minutes of quiet before the kids erupted from bed, I realized that I was not living a life I was proud of. I was not role modeling for my daughters what life could be. I was failing to do exactly what I had set out to do: create a loving and nurturing haven.

I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.

For the past few weeks I've been pondering how to sum up my intentions for the new year in just one word - a kind of shorthand to keep me on track and guide my decision-making. 

It's been difficult though, maybe because I want this year to be so amazing. After working out my plans, goals, areas of development, etc., there's still a lot of things that apply. There's AUTHENTICITY and ABUNDANCE, VISIBILITY and VIBRANCY, FLOURISH and FREEDOM, PROSPERITY and PEACEFUL, CONNECTION and CONTRIBUTION... 

It all comes down to clarity. When we are clear on what we need, what we desire, where we want to put our energy, what things are an absolute YES for us, then choosing from all the opportunities becomes easy. We can give a clear NO to all the rest. As one of my coaches says, "It's either HELL YES or HELL NO. There is no HELL MAYBE."

One of my clients a few years ago was stuck on the progress of her book. She felt like she was doing everything she could to move the writing forward, but things were only inching forward at a glacial pace. My client thought her intention was PRODUCTION - producing a book that had long been waiting to see the light. But the closer she got to having people read it, the slower the writing went. Eventually we discovered that there was a hidden need that had to be addressed first and that was getting comfortable with VISIBILITY. So we created a plan to ease into being more visible as a writer and then BOOM! the manuscript almost finished itself. Having clarity on what was needed was pretty much... all that was needed.

In The Soul of Money: Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Life by Lynne Twist, the author puts forth the concept of SUFFICIENCY as the thing that can change our relationship with what we have, want, and value. Twist states:

"When we live in the context of sufficiency, we find a natural freedom and integrity. We engage in life from a sense of our own wholeness rather than a desperate longing to be complete. We feel naturally called to share the resources that flow through our lives -- our time, our money, our wisdom, our energy, at whatever level those resources flow -- to serve our highest commitments. In the context of sufficiency, and the flow of resources to and through and from us, our soul and money interests merge to create a rich, satisfying, and meaningful life."

SUFFICIENCY is the word I've been seeking, it seems. It may not sound like much, but it expresses exactly what I want to focus on in this new year I've been gifted.

What is the word that sums up your intentions for the new year? Post your one word intention below in the comments and let's hold all the goodness that everyone is calling in.

Warmly,
​Mary

The eclipse today, as I understand it, symbolizes change. A new era, another chance, a fresh start. What does that mean to you? To me it sounds fun, exciting, and adventurous. I love a new notebook, a new plan, turning over a new leaf.

But sometimes change is not so glamorous.

I spent this past weekend at home and under the weather. Outside it was glorious! Sunny, warm, and breezy after days of gray skies and rain. There were so many possibilities for activities, but my body told me to stay home. 

At first I didn't listen - totally ignored the message - like we do. So it spoke more loudly and I felt more miserable. Finally, I got it: slow down, look within, do the work. 

It was time to clean house, both literally and figuratively. Change is not only about embracing the new, it's also about letting go of the old. ​

Shedding what no longer serves us can take many forms: clearing out belongings you no longer need, shifting habits and thought patterns that aren't working, reassessing goals to align with where you are now, letting go of limiting beliefs. 

All photos ©Mary Upham 2017

Surrender was not a word in my personal vocabulary until very recently. I thought of it as giving in, giving up, a sign that I was weak. But I'd been getting the message that I needed to delve deeper into Surrender and its connection with Trust. On a weeklong camping trip with my daughter I had plenty of opportunities.

One of the things that I discovered is that Surrender is not a form of weakness, in fact you have to be strong to see when to sit back and chill. 

Another insight is that surrender is another way to say accept things as they are, be ok with what is, and know where you can take action and where you can't. 

While it takes a lot of strength to be ok with what is, it uses much less energy than railing against something you can't change. Or worrying about it incessantly. Or getting all bothered because you think the situation is someone else's fault.

When you toss Trust in there with Surrender it works even better. Not only can you mellow out on your reaction to the situation, you also get to relax about whether it's going to turn out ok or not. Because frankly, if you're going with this mindset, whatever way it turns out is all right.

Take the Lost Shoe Debacle, for example. After a long day of exploring and driving and hiking and exploring, my daughter realized she had lost a shoe. You might wonder how one could lose something attached to one's foot (I did), but if one goes barefoot as much as possible and just keeps shoes in the car in case there's an ice cream shop where they are mandatory, there's less concern over where those shoes are in between times. 

They might even fall out of the car when you leap at the chance to pet a friendly horse. At least, that's where she thought she might have lost it. But at bedtime after a day of exploring I couldn't begin to problem solve about the lost shoe. ​

All photos ©Mary Upham 2017

If you find yourself wishing that you could make some shifts in your life that would give you some breathing space, a little time for yourself, more smiles and fewer growls, I want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
​
Many women are stuck in a cycle of feeling overwhelmed and undervalued and even find resentment creeping in where they want to have love, acceptance, and joy. This is what I know: it doesn’t have to be that way. Once you get some clarity on what you need, you can begin to learn tools and take small steps to make those shifts happen. Here’s how it played out for one of my clients. I’ll call her Leah.

Leah was a part-time teacher with a preschool-aged daughter with whom she had a very close relationship. Before her daughter's birth Leah had been quite active and she longed to get back to a regular exercise routine, but between the precious hours at home with her daughter, her teaching job, family life, occasional socializing, and so on, Leah's time for herself frequently got pushed to the side. Leah noticed that she was not the mom she wanted to be. She sensed resentment creeping into her emotions instead of the love and kindness she wanted to feel. When her husband was home she would try to slip out for a short run. Her daughter would cry for her to stay home and play. Sometimes Leah would give up her run and come back to calm her daughter, but since Leah's needs hadn't been met she was crabby and impatient. Other times she would go anyway and come home to an exhausted, post-tantrum child and an agitated spouse. It felt like no matter how hard she tried to do the right thing, nothing worked.

Leah's daughter needed her mom to be fully present when they were together, and Leah needed regular exercise to fill her cup so she could engage with her child. Since Leah was often running on fumes she didn't have anything left to give her daughter and the child was unsatisfied and clingy. Neither Leah nor her daughter were getting their needs met and it was a source of major tension.

When Leah became aware of this cycle she decided to make some changes. She talked with her husband about how important it was to have time for exercise and solitude. She also pledged her support for him to carve out time for these same things. A little later, when things were calm, Leah set the situation up for success with her child. She snuggled her daughter close and told her about her new plan to run and go to an exercise class a few times a week. During this conversation, she explained her values for health, meeting one's needs, and being a good parent in very simple terms that her child could understand. She told her daughter When I come back from exercising I will come home happy and we can spend time playing. Because of how Leah took time to explain it, her daughter felt connected to her mama and agreed to cooperate.

Leah took action and followed through. She set up a regular exercise schedule on the calendar so that her family knew what to expect. When it was almost time to go, Leah reminded her daughter, took a few moments to give her some hugs and kisses, and committed to playtime when she got back. Because she set it up for success and spoke from her heart instead of from a place of resentment, Leah's daughter was more easygoing about the time apart. She even got in the habit of saying, Goodbye, Happy Mama!, as she waved to her. The change this brought in Leah's family was huge. The resentment disappeared and was replaced by joy. Leah supported her husband to get more regular exercise, and as a family they played outside more, knowing it was something they all enjoyed. They commented on how great it felt to have their everyday actions in alignment with their values and their needs met.

If this story resonates with you in some way here are some things you can do:

• Click here to get my complimentary e-book, “Change Your Life Today with a Self-Care Plan That Fits You”.
• RSVP to attend my upcoming free workshop “Finding Calm: 4 Keys to Reducing Stress for Moms”.
• Contact me to set up a Finding Calm Strategy Session and bring some ease into your life. It’s my gift to you!