MARY UPHAM COACHING

I used to think I was incapable and defective.

I realize that sounds extreme, but let me tell you a story to illustrate why.

A number of years ago I was visiting a friend in Vancouver who was undeniably cool.

One morning we went to this totally hipster restaurant for breakfast. I felt frumpy just walking in the door, but it was one of my friend’s favorite spots. 

The atmosphere was crazy—all assaultive bright colors and pulsing music. My food was tasty, but conversation was difficult because I couldn’t hear beyond the booming bass.

Finally we were done, but as we walked up to the front to pay, I was feeling overwhelmed. I just wanted to get out of there.

It was my turn to pick up the tab, so I reached into my purse to get my wallet and along with it came a grocery store veggie bag that I’d stashed for picking up dog poop when I was at home. Embarrassing. I quickly shoved it into my coat pocket hoping my friend and the cashier hadn't noticed.

Then I inserted my credit card and the directions were all in French. I don’t speak French, but even Canadians who don’t speak French have enough skills to do a transaction. 

I was thrown for a loop though, plus the French was all blurry because I didn’t have my glasses on and didn’t want to dig in my bag to find them lest I pull out other crazy stuff.

I kind of checked out at that point. I think I just froze and stared blankly at the screen for a while.

I was jolted out of my stupor by my friend saying, Are you OKAY? in a tone that clearly indicated I was not acting okay. I mean, come on. I was simply paying for breakfast, not discovering a cure for cancer or something. It shouldn’t be this hard, I remember thinking.

How that ended, I don’t know. I’ve blocked the memory because I was mortified. I think my friend may have clicked the right things and pointed out where to sign like I was an idiot.

Maybe you can see how I felt incapable and defective.

What I know now is that everyone has an “optimal level of arousal”. This is the sweet spot where we’re mentally stimulated by external stuff in just the right amount to be to be engaged and at our best.

If there’s less stuff going on we’re bored and disconnected, and if there’s more then we feel overwhelmed, confused, out of control.

Each person has a unique arousal level that’s right for them. People who are highly sensitive, who take in more stimuli and process it more deeply, need much less stimulation than those who have a higher level of arousal and need more to be in their sweet spot.

Relishing a high level of arousal would describe my cool Canadian friend.

Going back to my story, you can see that as a Highly Sensitive Person my optimal level of arousal was doomed in the Vancouver breakfast joint.

Just walking in the place I channeled my dorky inner middle schooler and then the high level of noise and visual stimulation of the colors zapped me. I couldn’t even carry on a normal conversation because I couldn’t hear over the din.

I felt like a fool because everyone else seemed to be enjoying themselves just fine in there and then was further embarrassed by pulling out the poop bag and not being able to decipher the credit card screen. Highly Sensitives also are very tuned into what others think of them, so being judged as ‘not okay’ was another strike.

And so I did what every good HSP does when overwhelmed: I shut down and stopped functioning.

What I know now is that this doesn’t make me incapable and defective like I once thought. It means that in an environment that’s a good match for me I thrive. Now I know that choosing my surroundings to be a good fit is as essential as eating food or picking exercise that’s right for my body. (A three-cheese pasta-eating marathoner I am not!)

So, I’m not defective, but I am different than 80-85% of the population, since HSPs make up just 20% of all people. Add introversion to that and it’s more like 15% of us in that camp. What this means is that most of the world doesn't understand what you experience every day and that many public places are not designed for your optimal level of arousal.

What I help women in my Welcome Home to Your Self program do is understand that different doesn’t mean defective. That knowing how to make choices that are right for you is a strength, not a weakness.
 Once you understand the ins and outs of the highly sensitive nervous system that you were born with you can begin setting your life up for success.

Without guilt. Without apologies. Without feeling like there’s something wrong with you.

Because there is NOTHING wrong with you.

You’ve just being trying to fit your nervous system into a world that caters to a different kind of nervous system. And it doesn’t work.

You’re always going to feel like you don’t fit in if you’re trying to live in that Vancouver breakfast hot spot. It’s just not your kind of place.

Come and find out how to create the kind of place that's just right for you. Start feeling like you fit in your life and your life fits you. 

This doesn’t mean you have to move to an island and live by yourself. I’ll teach you how to make it work in your home with your family, in your workplace with your co-workers, in your social life with your friends. It’s all doable, you just need to have the skills, tools, and mindset to choose and set it up for success.

But listen, registration closes this weekend so we can begin together next week. I only offer this program once a year, September to May, so this is your opportunity to create a life over the next 9 months that works so well for you that you never feel like a nerd in a hipster joint.

I’m so excited to show you how to take the baby steps to do this! I love liberating Sensitive Introverts from feeling defective! Truly.

One of the participants from last year had this to say:
 
Before this program I rather thought something was wrong with me. I was constantly questioning myself, the overthinking, the need for solitude, the challenges in social contexts, etc. I gained a lot of knowledge and understanding about myself. Although I wouldn’t say I made complete and utter peace with myself, I am more aware of WHY I am who I am and HOW I can accept and support myself better. Also, I am more capable of seeing challenges and problems not so much as roadblocks anymore, but as a chance to grow. — Christine in Wilmette, IL

I invite you to click below to check out the program. Remember, registration closes this weekend and spaces are filling. You’ll need to quiet that voice that’s saying “I don’t know it this is a good idea!” and make a decision to support your well-being.

​And I promise we’ll unpack and deal with that voice of caution and worry that’s always keeping you from doing things right away in the program! 

I want to share something that’s a little fresh, maybe even a little raw for me.

It’s not some great thing I discovered 10 years ago, or 5, or even 1—that I can share from an oh-so-wise place.

This is happening right now.

One of the things that I thought I’d tamed were the tapes in my head that would tell me I was ridiculous, weird, incompetent, wrong, lame… You know the ones.

I really thought I’d licked them and fully embraced loving and accepting myself.

I’d upgraded the messages about following my own path and speaking my truth and all that stuff, but very recently I realized how often I judge what I feel in my body and try to shut it down.

You feel lots of sensations when you’re highly sensitive + observant + an empath.

Feeling is kind of all you do.

But I’ve been dissing my neurological system for ages it turns out. Telling myself, those sensations are wrong, stop feeling that way, no one else finds this hard, you’re weird for feeling all this stuff, just deal.

The thing is, truly loving yourself doesn't just mean loving the parts you like—it means loving all the parts, even the ones you're working on.

I realized I needed to find some times/spaces to observe all the sensations and not suppress or judge them.

Yesterday morning at yoga I drew a card before class from one of the decks of oracle cards. It was linked with sensuality—relating to the perception of things through the body—and I paid attention. Those signs and reminders happen for a reason, after all.

I decided to use my yoga practice to observe through my senses without shutting anything down.

This whole thing may sound weird, but stay with me. 

There was so much sensory stuff going on: tingling in my fingertips, muscles that tightened and cramped, energy flowing across my face like a piece of soft fabric—I could even feel the blood pumping through my arms as I lifted them above my head and brought my sweaty palms together.

And gratitude. So much gratitude I felt like my heart might burst.

I was in awe that these kinds of sensations are going on all the time for me, not just when I take the time to keenly observe.

My big aha was that I want to be in a state of amazement, love, and gratitude for my highly attuned senses, to love even the parts of myself that sometimes annoy me, and to end the messages of STOP THAT, YOU’RE WEIRD, ENOUGH WITH THE SENSITIVITY ALREADY.

I'm focusing on embracing all the ways I experience sensory stimulation and appreciating how incredible my neurological system is.

And I'm replacing those negative messages with this simple mantra: ALL SENSATIONS ARE ACCEPTABLE. 

It's definitely a work in progress.

This topic is a little messy and unpolished because I want to convey that even when you’ve done lots of personal work, there’s always another level of growth. And there's always more you can learn about yourself and love more deeply.

My question to you is this: Are you willing to get a little messy and shake things up? Growth and insight don’t happen when you stay in your comfort zone and keep things that same.

It happens when you take a step into the unknown, toward your truth. When you suspend those negative messages for a minute—the ones that tell you (wrongly) that you’re not worthy or deserving of better—and take a small leap of faith.

If you're ready to explore this further, use the contact page and let me know.

Magical.

That’s really the only way I can describe the transformation I’ve manifested in my life.

That may sound airy-fairy, but maybe if I show you the before and after snapshots you’ll understand how both magical and practical it's been.

A few years ago I realized I was caught in a less-than-satisfying communication pattern with one of my kids. It's humbling to tell you all this, but it's what our daily interchange really looked like.

BEFORE

Late afternoon/early evening I begin to make dinner. I realize that my daughter has been on the couch reading for two hours since she got home from school and no chores have been done. I start feeling agitated.

I call from the kitchen to where she is in the living room.

Sweetie, have you done your chores?

— No.

Dinner will be done in half an hour, please go take the dog for a walk.

— Fine.

Fifteen minutes later.

Stop reading and take the dog for a walk!

—I don't care! I'm busy. I'll walk him later.

GO NOW BEFORE IT GETS DARK!

A half later we sit down at the dinner table. I've got an edgy feeling in my chest that feels like it might explode if provoked.

Did you do your chores and take the dog for a walk?

— No!

What do you mean? I told you to do that before dinner. Did you finish your homework and straighten your room?

— No!

ARGH. Why don’t you do what you’re supposed to?! Now you have all this stuff to do before bedtime and I bet the dog won't even get his walk!

— I don’t care! You can’t make me! I don’t want to do anything!

She storms out of the room and runs upstairs, slamming the door to her bedroom and leaving the rest of us to finish dinner in an awkward state of yucky feelings. 

I'm disappointed in myself and in my daughter. The edgy feeling in my chest is now heavy and regretful and I have a hard time eating.

This went on for longer than I want to admit. It certainly wasn’t the only place in our family life where there was antagonism and strife, but it’s a good example of what was going on.

I decided there had to be another way and set my mind to changing myself and my language to shift the dynamics.

     *********MAGICAL TRANSFORMATION OCCURS********

AFTER

Late afternoon/early evening I begin to make dinner. I realize that my daughter has been laying on the couch reading for two hours since she got home from school and no chores have been done.

I go to the couch and kneel down beside her.

Hey, sweetie. I know you’re deep into that book. I’m sorry to interrupt you. Can we talk for a couple minutes?

She stops reading. I make eye contact and touch her arm.

I’m starting to make dinner and it’ll be ready in about half an hour. What chores do you have left?

— I need to walk the dog, do a little homework, and straighten my room.

Ok, would you be willing to get the dog walked before dinner and then we’ll have time to play a game after we eat? 

— Yeah, but I just have three pages left in this chapter. Can I finish it and then walk the dog?

Sure, are you willing to really stop when you hit the end of the chapter? 

— This book is so good I just want to keep reading! But yeah, I’ll stop. Maybe if I get everything else done I can read a little more before bed!

That’s a great idea. Ok, I’m going to go cook and make sure that we have something good to eat in a little while. You’ll finish the chapter and take the dog for a walk?

— Yep!

We sit down at the dinner table a while later.

How was your walk?

— Good! We saw a baby blue jay getting fed by its mama.

Cool! What game do you guys want to play after dinner?

A happy family time ensues. No yelling. No disconnection. No running upstairs. No beating myself up for being a bad mama.

Basically, that shift brought harmony, ease, and joy into our house just about every evening.

It’s not really magical—but it feels like it. The tools I used are all easily learnable skills.

But (through no fault of your own) you probably weren't taught the principles of Agreements vs Expectations, am I right? 

I'd love to help you learn. Just use the contact page to let me know and I'll share more with you. ♥︎

This week I want to share some thoughts on forgiveness. Stay with me. That might not sound sexy or fun, but honestly, it’s a game-changer.

I’ve been slowly digesting The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho Tutu. It’s taken me a long time because this turned out to be a difficult concept to deal with—especially the last section on self-forgiveness. (More on that in a future post. I'm still contemplating!)

I’ve always prided myself on not holding grudges against others, but this book helped me see where I was hanging on to past hurts and how it was damaging my connections. I saw how the undercurrent of resentment was not serving me, the other people, or our relationships.

All of this made me very uncomfortable.

In January I chose to write letters to each of the people where I felt there was unresolved pain. I rewrote the letters many times, read them to supportive friends, and tucked them away in a notebook while I chickened out over and over.

My chest felt constricted and I got dry-mouthed and nauseous every time I thought about sending these letters of both apology and forgiveness. Over time I got clearer and clearer on why I wanted to do this.

And then finally, I was ready.

I felt clear that if I connected from a positive place, with the intention of forgiving past hurts and clearing things up, then I was acting generously and responsibly. I'd worked through my emotions and now it was the other person's choice how to respond.

One of the relationships I chose to release since it didn’t seem healthy to renew it. I apologized for any way I might also have hurt this person, expressed my gratitude for the good times we’d shared, and wished them well. It seems so straightforward now writing those words, but at the time it was so so hard.

The process felt heavy and grindingly slow up to that point. It took so much courage to finally address the letters and put them in the mailbox. (Yeah, I sent real snail mail letters!)

I wasn’t prepared for what came next.

I felt light, free, and joyful—more than I had experienced in a long, long time. It seemed as though a deep wound had finally healed. I had no idea how much these old transgressions had been weighing me down and taking a toll on my spirit.

The words in The Book of Forgiving that I initially read and glossed over, have new meaning.
Until we can forgive we remain locked in our pain and locked out of the possibility of experiencing healing and freedom, locked out of the possibility of being at peace…

When we forgive, we take back control of our own fate and our feelings. We become our own liberators. We don’t forgive to help the other person. We don’t forgive for others. We forgive for ourselves.
I know, it’s bold. 

I get it if you feel uncomfortable with those words, or even reject them, or think they're selfish. I know I did. It's part of the process because it takes time to wrestle with new ideas.

You could easily choose to just stick it away as information “for later” and not really deal with it.

What I know from experience as a self-help book nerd is that taking in information without putting it into action is more clutter for the mind.

Picture adding a bunch more boxes of stuff you "might use one day" to your garage or basement only to unpack them 10 years later and wonder why you kept all of it.

Great ideas don’t help unless you use them, practice them, and finally embody them. Give me a shout out on the contact page if you're ready to give peace a chance.

There was a time when I didn't know what "having healthy boundaries" meant, nor did I know that I didn't have any.

When a therapist pointed this out several years ago, I wondered how it was possible that a person could be more than four decades into life and not have learned this skill that sounded essential.

I began to realize that this actually explained a lot. Like why I frequently let myself be talked into going to things that weren’t my idea of fun.

Or why I wasn't really aligned with some of my friends but didn't know how to extricate myself from the relationship.

Or why I’d let my kids do something that really annoyed me, quietly seething to myself, until I couldn’t take it anymore and lashed out. (Setting a boundary, to be sure, but not in a healthy way.)

When I saw that this was really true, I was totally overwhelmed. I panicked and my stomach lurched wondering how I would ever catch up.

It seemed there were situations and people all around me that needed boundaries now that I was aware. It was like the floor of my emotional house had just dropped out.

In order to set boundaries I had to know what I wanted, so I found I had to pay attention to my needs and wants much more closely.

Really, in a nutshell, that’s all boundaries are: defining what you’re willing to do and what you’re not willing to do.

I also had to work on actually saying what I wanted instead of hoping others would read my mind.

I remember the first times I went against the proposed plan. I said, I'd rather not to go to a movie tonight. I just want to stay home and read. (Classic introvert move, right?)

I held my breath and waited. They said, "Sure, let's make a fire and and read. Sounds good."

The sky didn’t fall. Lightning did not strike me. The other person didn’t get angry. I did not die.

I let my breath out slowly. So this is what it’s like to set a boundary? I might be able to get the hang of this.

It’s gotten so much easier to know what I want and express it that most of the time I don’t even think about it anymore. There’s no, OMG I have to set a boundary! It’s just stating what works for me or doesn’t and figuring out an agreement with the other person.

Knowing I can handle whatever comes up and comfortably say what I'm willing to do has been incredibly freeing. I even forget that it was once so foreign and hard.

But every once in a while I see it so clearly and I’m reminded of how important this skill is and how I used to be clueless. I had one of these reminders this week.

I was talking to a friend on the phone and three times in our 20 minute conversation she stopped talking and moaned with discomfort as her not-at-all-small dog jumped on or off her lap.

The third time it happened I said, You know, you don't have to endure this, there is a solution. You say, No, Fido! Down. And then don't let him jump up again.

“I knowwwww,” she said. “But he likes to sit on my lap.”

Suddenly I had a flash of understanding. This person complains about how work takes over her life, how her kids never clean up after themselves, and how she never has enough time to get things done, meanwhile she’s devoted to being all over social media.

I understood then that the untrained dog is just one of a host of places where my friend has not set boundaries.

I love to help my clients master this one. It’s like a muscle that starts out pretty weak, but gets stronger with continued use, until you don’t even think about the work it’s doing.

What would your life be like if you could set effortless boundaries around what you’re good with and what you’re not? Most of us highly sensitive introverts really struggle with that for a bunch of reasons.

We don’t want to seem selfish. We don’t want to inconvenience anyone. We don’t want people to think critically of us. We don’t feel we are worthy. We never learned how. We don’t want to feel any more awkward than we already do.

So we stay quiet and we suck it up, give away our energy, and end up exhausted and not very content. Then we tell ourselves, well, this is just what life is like.

Uh, no. No it’s not. Life can be really magnificent and we all deserve to experience that.

If you're ready to learn how give me a shout on the contact page.

Much of the personal growth work I do, and support my clients in doing, focuses on shedding the limiting beliefs that keep us from moving forward.

Limiting beliefs constrain you in some way. They’re concepts which you’ve come to believe as truth, but are so deeply ingrained that they can be mistaken as facts. These beliefs are often nothing more than conclusions you’ve drawn based on your childhood experiences. They focus on your self-identity, capability, and worth, and keep you from reaching your full potential due to how they inhibit you.

During childhood these beliefs may have served you, and that’s why you held onto them for so long. But as an adult, these beliefs may no longer serve a purpose. In fact, they can actually become a hindrance when they’re no longer compatible with your life or circumstances. Your life has undoubtedly changed, but if your beliefs have remained constant, it can be why you’re feeling stuck in the present.

Another thing about limiting beliefs is that they’re innocuous. They don’t stand out and shout, Look at me! I’m messing up your life! They hide in the shadows and make you think you’re being smart, cautious, and discerning about your choices. That you’re keeping yourself safe or putting your commitment to your family first or keeping your nest egg safe from a hair-brained idea.

Here are some common limiting beliefs:

I don’t deserve love/getting my needs met/money/success.

I don’t have time.

I’m not creative.

I don’t want people to judge me.

I’ll sound stupid.

I don’t have the skills.

I just got lucky this time.

I don’t know enough.

Even if I’m successful, I won’t be able to sustain it.

I’m just going to fail, I shouldn’t even bother to try.

People won’t take me seriously because I’m too young/too old/a woman/fat/thin/not an expert…

Even if I work hard at it I’ll never be good enough.

I can’t do that because I have kids/don’t have the money/need to take care of my parents.

I’m just not motivated.

I don’t have the energy.

I don’t even know where to start.

These may or may not look familiar to you, but if you stay aware the next time you’re making a decision about something that’s meaningful to you or moving you in the direction of your dreams, I’m quite certain you’ll find one of these limiting beliefs at the bottom of your decision-making.

If you accept a limiting belief, then it will become a truth for you.
—Louise Hay, author, healer, publisher, and a founder of the self-help movement
​
Awareness is always the first step in making changes. You can’t shift something you don’t even know exists. But once you’re conscious, then what?

See if you can identify if that belief is serving you in some way now. It can also be helpful to uncover how you developed this belief and how it protected you. Most limiting beliefs come about in childhood and are used to keep us safe.

Next is to ask yourself what you really want? What are the dreams, goals, contributions that are truly meaningful to you?

And finally, to create an empowering belief to replace the limiting belief. This can become almost like a mantra. When you hear that voice in your head saying, You don’t deserve to take time for a walk on this fine spring day—you haven’t knocked half the things off your to-do list yet! you are alerted. This is exactly what I’m hearing as I sit here writing while it’s finally warm and sunny in my neck of the woods.

Now you know your limiting belief has kicked in. It can be very powerful and even shaming: You can’t take time to care for your needs. You need to keep working. Don’t be a slacker!

The empowering belief I’ve adopted is something like: When I make space to care for myself I’m more motivated, efficient, and engaged. To do my best work I need downtime.

Whether you think you can, or you think you can't—you're right.
—Henry Ford, business magnate

I actually grapple with almost every day. Growing up I was taught that taking care of yourself is selfish and if there’s any work to do you should take care of that first before you do anything pleasure-based.

My dad was a small business owner who also had a couple low end rental buildings. He was always working. I learned from him that while it was honorable to work for yourself, it was hard and took all your time, and even when you worked really hard you didn’t make bank, and that’s just how life was. I think one of his limiting beliefs was that he didn’t feel he deserved to be successful or make a lot of money.

My dad died of cancer at 79 and never really slowed down to enjoy the freedom of being your own boss and calling the shots.

Consequently, I inherited many of many of those same limiting beliefs. One of the most devastating for me as an HSP is around taking time for self-care. The first step was awareness and identifying the voice in my head. It would say, You don’t have time to do something selfish like go for a run in the middle of the work day! Sit down and finish all the things on your list first!

Once I knew what was happening I could pause and choose to make a decision that was right for me, but I have to admit that it’s something I still struggle with. But when I started realizing that I was much more effective, efficient, and engaged when I got exercise and time in nature it made it easier to give myself the space and time for that.

Then I created an empowering belief or ideal message for myself to replace the “get back to work” message. It’s something like, Remember, when your needs are met you can accomplish so much more. It changes a little from day to day depending on what I need to hear.

Now I’m at a point of amassing evidence so that if I drag my feet or the limiting belief has a greater hold on me one day I can whip out my history of success to overcome my hesitance. I tell myself, The days when you make time to get outside and move your body are the ones you’re the most creative, positive, and effective. Go!

I believe that change can happen instantly when we’re committed, but I also know that changing the thought patterns, habits, and brain connections takes time. Because of this, I’m compassionate with myself when I skip a day or realize I’m creaky because I’ve missed a couple yoga classes. Beating yourself up does not help you move forward. Compassion, honesty, and uncovering old beliefs that no longer serve, does.

The amazing thing is that when you're no longer fighting to uphold the limiting beliefs you free up energy to use for other things.

In freeing ourselves from words, beliefs, and attitudes that block us, we choose the path of life. We free ourselves to create from a clean slate, from a belief that all things are possible. This act takes a tremendous amount of courage, just as creating a future free from our past wounds takes a tremendous amount of courage. It can be exciting to think about all the opportunities you can create for yourself.
—Sandra Ingerman, author, healer, and shaman