Have you noticed that you don't have the energy you want? We're only one month into the new year, have you given up on your intentions for 2018? Is cabin fever setting in and you're snapping at your kids?
The reality is that without exceptional self-care you can't be the best version yourself. You slack off, give up, lose patience, beat yourself up, and disconnect. If you slow down to think about it, that's probably not the life you really want.
Self-care is knowing what your needs are and meeting those needs on a regular basis. Not rocket science, but it does take being aware of what fills your cup and having the commitment to do it. Each of us has a unique combination of things that replenish energy, bring joy, and help us to show up as our best selves.
Why is it so hard to carry this out?
You get messages all the time that you're not doing it right, that you shouldn't be selfish, and that you can't trust your inner wisdom. So your needs often go unmet. You know what this looks like. We all do. You rush from one thing to another, often arriving late. A kid asks a question and you bark an irritated answer. Feelings of resentment lurk just below the surface, waiting to be sparked into an explosion.
Is this really how you want to live?
The truth is that everyone benefits when you practice exceptional self-care. You have the energy to accomplish your biggest goals. You treat yourself, your kids, your partner, your colleagues with love and kindness. You have the reserves to respond to bumps in the road calmly and thoughtfully. And you have the capacity to step into being the human you truly long to be.
Are you ready to upgrade your life?
Several years ago when I was deep in the realm of caring for small children and aiming to provide the most nurturing home life possible, I found I was so disconnected from my self-care needs that I was actually sabotaging my deepest desires.
Instead of engaging with the beautiful children entrusted to me I numbed myself with endless online word games. Instead of serving myself first I prioritized energy and money for everything else but self-care. Instead of listening to my inner wisdom I ignored the whispers from my spirit to attend to myself first in order to be able to give my children the love and acceptance I knew they needed.
One morning while stealing a few minutes of quiet before the kids erupted from bed, I realized that I was not living a life I was proud of. I was not role modeling for my daughters what life could be. I was failing to do exactly what I had set out to do: create a loving and nurturing haven.
I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.
Climbing out of this hole took self-reflection, commitment, and asking for help. Slowly I began to identify the things I needed to bring back into my days to be the person I wanted to be.
My life looks a lot different now. My daughters are now teens and young adults and we have wonderful, vibrant relationships. I have incorporated exceptional self-care into every facet of my life so that I can show up every day as the best version of myself.
If this speaks to you in some way, if your heart says YES, THIS IS WHAT I WANT TOO, I have an invitation for you.
My free monthly mini-workshop this month is "Create Your Self-Care Revolution: 3 Essential Tools to Get Your Needs Met and Create the Life You Long For". In this workshop you'll...
Click here to register and save your spot for the free mini-workshop on February 15th.
If you're not able to attend, I have a few spaces open this month for a private complimentary Jumpstart Consultation. We'll get clear on where you're at, where you want to be, and what's holding you back. Then you'll get an individualized mini-plan to move you forward toward your ideal life.
Click here to schedule your complimentary Jumpstart Consultation.
The life you desire IS possible... and you can take the first small step today. There's nothing to lose and so much to gain.
What one word describes what you want in 2018?
For the past few weeks I've been pondering how to sum up my intentions for the new year in just one word - a kind of shorthand to keep me on track and guide my decision-making.
It's been difficult though, maybe because I want this year to be so amazing. After working out my plans, goals, areas of development, etc., there's still a lot of things that apply. There's AUTHENTICITY and ABUNDANCE, VISIBILITY and VIBRANCY, FLOURISH and FREEDOM, PROSPERITY and PEACEFUL, CONNECTION and CONTRIBUTION...
It all comes down to clarity. When we are clear on what we need, what we desire, where we want to put our energy, what things are an absolute YES for us, then choosing from all the opportunities becomes easy. We can give a clear NO to all the rest. As one of my coaches says, "It's either HELL YES or HELL NO. There is no HELL MAYBE."
One of my clients a few years ago was stuck on the progress of her book. She felt like she was doing everything she could to move the writing forward, but things were only inching forward at a glacial pace. My client thought her intention was PRODUCTION - producing a book that had long been waiting to see the light. But the closer she got to having people read it, the slower the writing went. Eventually we discovered that there was a hidden need that had to be addressed first and that was getting comfortable with VISIBILITY. So we created a plan to ease into being more visible as a writer and then BOOM! the manuscript almost finished itself. Having clarity on what was needed was pretty much... all that was needed.
In The Soul of Money: Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Life by Lynne Twist, the author puts forth the concept of SUFFICIENCY as the thing that can change our relationship with what we have, want, and value. Twist states:
"When we live in the context of sufficiency, we find a natural freedom and integrity. We engage in life from a sense of our own wholeness rather than a desperate longing to be complete. We feel naturally called to share the resources that flow through our lives -- our time, our money, our wisdom, our energy, at whatever level those resources flow -- to serve our highest commitments. In the context of sufficiency, and the flow of resources to and through and from us, our soul and money interests merge to create a rich, satisfying, and meaningful life."
SUFFICIENCY is the word I've been seeking, it seems. It may not sound like much, but it expresses exactly what I want to focus on in this new year I've been gifted.
What is the word that sums up your intentions for the new year? Post your one word intention below in the comments and let's hold all the goodness that everyone is calling in.
In the spirit of sufficiency and contribution I am facilitating free monthly mini-workshops for women in and around my community of Northfield, MN. They are the third Thursday of the month at St John's Church.
You can register here for the January workshop "Attention Soulful Mamas: 3 Keys to Living with Intention" HERE. Further details on location upon registration.
Friday 1/12 ~ Women Empowering Women Conference, Minneapolis, MN
Thursday 1/18 ~ Attention Soulful Mamas: 3 Keys to Living with Intention, Northfield, MN
Thursday 2/15 ~ 3 Steps to Create Your Self-Care Revolution, Northfield, MN
Overcommitment and guilty obligation are rampant during the holiday season.
It doesn't have to be that way though! Each of us has the power to choose how we respond.
To keep my sanity I've found I need a framework to help me decide what to give my energy to and what to pass on.
When I feel obligated to take on yet another thing, I put pressure on myself to say YES because I feel I SHOULD do it. Often there's pressure externally as well not disappoint someone or look ungrateful if I decline.
When this happens I need to have my criteria for an ABSOLUTE YES in place.
If giving my energy to the request is not an ABSOLUTE YES, then it’s a NO. Telling others NO can be hard and I may need to find the courage, support, chutzpah - or all three - to carry out it out.
But the space created when I stick to my framework is huge and so much healthier than trying to do everything!
I know for myself and from my clients how difficult saying NO is and the holidays really put this to the test.
Often in these situations we start comparing ourselves to what others are doing and it destroys our creativity, joy, energy, and self-acceptance. If there’s one thing you give up in 2017, let it be comparison!
Let go of what you think you SHOULD do, and tune into your authentic self to find what is an ABSOLUTE YES for you.
Here are some questions that have been meaningful in creating my own framework.
What do I love most about this time of year?
What are the most meaningful parts of our family traditions?
Who do I really value spending time with?
Reevaluating each year has brought me closer to the soul-nourishing aspects of the season while reducing the hype. Many things have shifted or disappeared in our holiday line-up while others have grown richer over time because we weren't trying to do everything. Here are a few that have been significant.
The end of the year can be enjoyable, relaxed, and meaningful, with the focus on quality time and gratitude instead of on racing through events and accumulation of goods if we're intentional.
I want to share this with other moms, so I've created a free class to get you the tools so you can feel good throughout the holiday season and end the year with energy and joy.
“Attention Moms: LEARN 3 Keys to TAME Holiday Overwhelm, Stress, and Exhaustion -- End The Year Feeling CALM, Joyful, and ENERGIZED”
Effective ways to say NO without offending people or feeling guilty
Clarity on what is most important to you
Tools to lower stress and anxiety when the pressure builds
Thursday, December 7th, 9-10:30am in Northfield, MN.
RSVP to reserve your spot and receive location details.
This is a free offering. Space is limited.
Email me to RSVP: email@example.com and put
TAME HOLIDAY OVERWHELM in the subject line.
You deserve to enjoy this beautiful season of light and love - and your family deserves to have you at your best.
Nature is often the messenger of wisdom in my life. Leaning against a tree, standing on a mountain, paying attention in a field is where I most often have epiphanies that allow me to see more clearly. Sometimes they are so simple I wonder how it wasn't obvious to me before, but I always listen and am grateful.
A few days ago I was walking in the Carleton Cowling Arboretum near my house with the intention of recharging my body and clearing my mind. I stopped to sit at the edge of the stream and listen to the water babbling over the rocks. Watching the water flow by it occurred to me that no matter how much water moved past me, there was still water in front of me and more coming in. No break, no emptiness, just a constant flow.
And so it is with our energy. What we put out into the world comes back to us in other ways. Why then, I wondered, do we sometimes feel like we're running on empty? That there is scarcity instead of abundance? Women who come to my workshops almost always connect with the image of filling their cup because they have been functioning from a place of emptiness for so long.
The eclipse today, as I understand it, symbolizes change. A new era, another chance, a fresh start. What does that mean to you? To me it sounds fun, exciting, and adventurous. I love a new notebook, a new plan, turning over a new leaf.
But sometimes change is not so glamorous.
I spent this past weekend at home and under the weather. Outside it was glorious! Sunny, warm, and breezy after days of gray skies and rain. There were so many possibilities for activities, but my body told me to stay home.
At first I didn't listen - totally ignored the message - like we do. So it spoke more loudly and I felt more miserable. Finally, I got it: slow down, look within, do the work.
It was time to clean house, both literally and figuratively. Change is not only about embracing the new, it's also about letting go of the old.
Shedding what no longer serves us can take many forms: clearing out belongings you no longer need, shifting habits and thought patterns that aren't working, reassessing goals to align with where you are now, letting go of limiting beliefs.
My tasks turned out to be inner work motivated by outer work. The burr-covered weeds that covered my clothes, tangled in my hair, and would not let go were great metaphors for obstacles that were plaguing me. The pile of discarded clothes ready to be donated finally made it out of the bottom of the closet and into the car so they can help someone else instead of cluttering my thoughts and draining my energy. The sore throat that was so aggravating reminded me of limiting beliefs around being a public speaker.
The weekend was full of symbolism, even if it was short on entertainment.
So I ask you, what weeds do you need to pull from your internal landscape? What roles are you wearing that no longer fit? What patterns hold you back that you need to wash away?
Start by spending some time in your garden, closet, or bath tub and see what bubbles up when you get really quiet.
All photos ©Mary Upham 2017
Surrender was not a word in my personal vocabulary until very recently. I thought of it as giving in, giving up, a sign that I was weak. But I'd been getting the message that I needed to delve deeper into Surrender and its connection with Trust. On a weeklong camping trip with my daughter I had plenty of opportunities.
One of the things that I discovered is that Surrender is not a form of weakness, in fact you have to be strong to see when to sit back and chill.
Another insight is that surrender is another way to say accept things as they are, be ok with what is, and know where you can take action and where you can't.
While it takes a lot of strength to be ok with what is, it uses much less energy than railing against something you can't change. Or worrying about it incessantly. Or getting all bothered because you think the situation is someone else's fault.
When you toss Trust in there with Surrender it works even better. Not only can you mellow out on your reaction to the situation, you also get to relax about whether it's going to turn out ok or not. Because frankly, if you're going with this mindset, whatever way it turns out is all right.
Take the Lost Shoe Debacle, for example. After a long day of exploring and driving and hiking and exploring, my daughter realized she had lost a shoe. You might wonder how one could lose something attached to one's foot (I did), but if one goes barefoot as much as possible and just keeps shoes in the car in case there's an ice cream shop where they are mandatory, there's less concern over where those shoes are in between times.
They might even fall out of the car when you leap at the chance to pet a friendly horse. At least, that's where she thought she might have lost it. But at bedtime after a day of exploring I couldn't begin to problem solve about the lost shoe.
So despite the tears and upset from the animal-loving daughter, I chose Surrender and Trust. I decided this in the moment: I can accept what is, you are missing a shoe (and you have hiking boots to wear tomorrow) and I can let it go for now and trust that it will work out, and spend no energy worrying or wondering or berating (either myself or you).
And then, we got some sleep, for I was not about to go driving about in the dark to see if we could find footwear in the moonlight.
If you're curious about the outcome, she did find the shoe. In the morning with clear heads, we decided to get straight to our big hike for that day and to leave the shoe search for late afternoon on our way out of the area. It was, in fact, right where she hoped it would be, though the horses were not.
If you are curious about adding a new word to your vocabulary, I highly recommend Surrender, and its companion Trust. They will serve you well.
All photos ©Mary Upham 2017
If you find yourself wishing that you could make some shifts in your life that would give you some breathing space, a little time for yourself, more smiles and fewer growls, I want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Many women are stuck in a cycle of feeling overwhelmed and undervalued and even find resentment creeping in where they want to have love, acceptance, and joy. This is what I know: it doesn’t have to be that way. Once you get some clarity on what you need, you can begin to learn tools and take small steps to make those shifts happen. Here’s how it played out for one of my clients. I’ll call her Leah.
Leah was a part-time teacher with a preschool-aged daughter with whom she had a very close relationship. Before her daughter's birth Leah had been quite active and she longed to get back to a regular exercise routine, but between the precious hours at home with her daughter, her teaching job, family life, occasional socializing, and so on, Leah's time for herself frequently got pushed to the side. Leah noticed that she was not the mom she wanted to be. She sensed resentment creeping into her emotions instead of the love and kindness she wanted to feel. When her husband was home she would try to slip out for a short run. Her daughter would cry for her to stay home and play. Sometimes Leah would give up her run and come back to calm her daughter, but since Leah's needs hadn't been met she was crabby and impatient. Other times she would go anyway and come home to an exhausted, post-tantrum child and an agitated spouse. It felt like no matter how hard she tried to do the right thing, nothing worked.
Leah's daughter needed her mom to be fully present when they were together, and Leah needed regular exercise to fill her cup so she could engage with her child. Since Leah was often running on fumes she didn't have anything left to give her daughter and the child was unsatisfied and clingy. Neither Leah nor her daughter were getting their needs met and it was a source of major tension.
When Leah became aware of this cycle she decided to make some changes. She talked with her husband about how important it was to have time for exercise and solitude. She also pledged her support for him to carve out time for these same things. A little later, when things were calm, Leah set the situation up for success with her child. She snuggled her daughter close and told her about her new plan to run and go to an exercise class a few times a week. During this conversation, she explained her values for health, meeting one's needs, and being a good parent in very simple terms that her child could understand. She told her daughter When I come back from exercising I will come home happy and we can spend time playing. Because of how Leah took time to explain it, her daughter felt connected to her mama and agreed to cooperate.
Leah took action and followed through. She set up a regular exercise schedule on the calendar so that her family knew what to expect. When it was almost time to go, Leah reminded her daughter, took a few moments to give her some hugs and kisses, and committed to playtime when she got back. Because she set it up for success and spoke from her heart instead of from a place of resentment, Leah's daughter was more easygoing about the time apart. She even got in the habit of saying, Goodbye, Happy Mama!, as she waved to her. The change this brought in Leah's family was huge. The resentment disappeared and was replaced by joy. Leah supported her husband to get more regular exercise, and as a family they played outside more, knowing it was something they all enjoyed. They commented on how great it felt to have their everyday actions in alignment with their values and their needs met.
If this story resonates with you in some way here are some things you can do:
It’s been a long while since I sent anything out and I have exciting things to share with you.
What’s been happening? Over the past year I’ve been asking myself questions like “Where do I want to focus my energy?” and “How do I want to share my gifts?”. Mulling this over while walking in the woods led to the birth of my new venture, Lucina’s Wisdom, (pronounced loo-see-nahs) which focuses on ‘Life Coaching for Moms with a Mission’.
What does that mean? It means I help women approach life from the inside out by first discovering their own needs, desires, and dreams, and then supporting them to create a life built around those things. We aim for the sweet spot where they are in right relationship with their self-care, relationships, and purpose so they can thrive.
What does this look like?
What can you do? I’m so glad you asked! One is to click below to check out my new website. Two, is to contact me if you're connected with an organization that could benefit from a workshop. And three is to stay tuned for more.
If you'd like to create a wonderful year that is in alignment with your deepest desires, I invite you to use the meditation and journal questions below. You can read it through first and then let your mind travel there - or ask someone to read it to you while you get in a ralaxed state. However you access this, let it be your guide to find your way past the noise of the mind.
Let's relax, let go of our expectations, get out of our busy, chattering minds, and tune into something deeper. We’re going to get really quiet and listen for the whisperings of the soul, that which our hearts long for.
We want to come from a place of self-love and self-connectedness leaving all judgement and criticism behind. This will help you connect with your body, mind, and spirit and what you’re really wanting in this new year: the unity and harmony of your actions and your intentions.
Bring your awareness to your body in this moment. Feel your sitz bones on the chair and ground them down. Feel the crown of your head as if there is a string connected from it to the heavens. Feel the relationship between sitz bones and the top of your head, the relationship between earth and sky. Notice your focused attention and breathe relaxation into this focus. Soften your brow. Move your jaw from front to back and side to side. Open your jaw gently and then slowly let it close and invite any tension in your jaw to relax. Breathe in and raise your shoulders up to your ears, exhale and slowly let them release completely. Take a deep breath in and sigh it out.
Move your fingers and hands, making some circles, and shake out any tension in your arms. Take a deep breath in, right down into your core, relaxing your hips and legs, knees and calves, ankles and feet and toes. Notice your focused attention now coupled with relaxation. As we prepare to bring ourselves into the new year with intentionality, let’s attend to our bodies with focused attention along with deep relaxation.
Focus on your breath. Savor the inhale, luxuriate in the exhale. Breathe naturally without effort. Let the breath breathe you. Allow your breath to be the anchor that brings your mind back to right here and right now. And now as you relax your eyes even more deeply and open your heart even more fully, as you let your belly soften even more, let’s invite the turn of the season into our physical selves. The days have shortened in length, then the light begins to return, and the new year comes to us, wiping us clean, opening us to new beginnings.
Let’s use this time, this auspicious seasonal change, to open into the oneness of the body, mind, and spirit. Let the intention of your heart be in alignment with your actions. Let’s ask that this new year bring us the blessings of self-care, self-connectedness, self-compassion. So breathe and relax as we invite the turn of the year to allow us to feel in our hearts that which we want. Not so much wanting with our minds, in the effort of our minds, in the willfulness of our minds, but in the depth of our hearts.
So here’s the question, What is it that you are longing for from inside out, in this new year?
Listen to the silence of your own heart. What is it that you are wanting from you? What’s the most extraordinary gift you could give yourself? From inside out, turning down the volume of the mind, listen to the inner voice of the heart. Invite the wisdom of the body to speak to you. Let this intention come from the heart’s longing. What is your longing? Your next desires for yourself? As the light returns, as the new year unfolds, what are you wanting to give yourself? Let it emerge.
You contain all you need to. Any sense of lack you perceive within yourself is only a personality trait and not reflective of your true self. When faced with a decision about which direction to take, the best barometer is always your highest joy. What would represent your highest joy? When you follow the path of your highest joy, you are most closely aligned with your true essence, soul, or inner self.
What you’re wanting for yourself is a blessing. It’s a self blessing. It’s the ultimate gift from you to you. It represents the unity of your mind, and your body, and your heart. It holds in it the seeds of your growth and your unfolding. So what is it? What is it that you’re wanting for yourself? And as you bless yourself with the return of light, what will you do to move yourself in that direction? How will you create a living practice of your new year’s blessings?
Gently, come back into your breath now, wrap yourself up in the sacredness of this moment and let’s set an intention for the healing of our bodies, the quieting of our minds, and the opening of our hearts. And let’s request patience and tolerance. Patience and tolerance for the human dilemma, for ourselves as imperfect beings, for the divinity in all of us. You are equipped, you are able, one day at a time, to practice that divinity and that humanness. See your new year’s blessings filling you up, see yourself living the kind of life you choose, see yourself becoming who you really are.
And now slowly, as you are ready, become aware of the sounds around you. Become aware of your body resting on the chair. Be aware of your breath. And allow yourself to carry with you the essence of your deepest desires.
If you choose to, you can follow the meditation with this questions, and either reflect on them in your mind or write about them in a journal.
When you ask, what is my heart’s longing? What images, feelings, smells, tastes, sounds or ideas come to you?
If you are honest with yourself, what is the big dream that you can just barely acknowledge, but would make your heart sing with joy?
What do you need to let go of to allow space for your true desires to come into being?
Wishing you a most wonderful New Year filled with all you truly desire!
Empowerment Coach for Soulful Mamas and Entrepreneurs
My FREE GIFT to you: 'The Wheel of Life' Self Assessment.